Tottenham Hotspur 9 - 1 Wigan Athletic

Need I say more ?

Bye Bye Oprah, You Won't Be Missed In This House

Oprah Winfrey sent shock waves around the world today by announcing that her talk show will end in 2011. My reaction to this bombshell ? Well, perhaps even she has enough money now ?

Now let me be clear, I have nothing against Oprah Winfrey as a concept. She seems harmless enough, and has had a generally positive impact on many aspects of American society. But her talk show makes me puke.

I don't know whether it is the Olympic level of sycophancy on display (which she apparently does nothing to discourage) or simply the cloying sentimentality that powers the show like a giant battery. Actually, it's probably the latter. Because that level of shmaltz isn't safe to watch without first covering your eyes with a piece of smoked glass. Even then you may be damaged by a few stray chunks of vomit.

Oh no, even better, it's the Oprah book club, where the very fact that she encourages people to read books makes her admired and adored. I'm sorry, but anybody who doesn't realise that there is very little better in life than reading a good book, can go to Hell via reality TV. Does Oprah deserve a medal for pointing this out, no, no more than I deserve a medal for encouraging people to breathe oxygen. Although the painful attempt by Richard & Judy to imitate her in this respect almost redeems her, given that Richard gives the impression that he normally reads nothing more challenging than the dry cleaning instructions on his suit.

So when she hangs up her microphone in 2011, I won't shed an artificial tear. Besides which, given that she has more money that God, I expect she'll be comfortable. Let's just pray she doesn't go into politics any further than being seen crying at Obama's victory party. When I saw that I imagined that millions of Americans felt like withdrawing their vote. Having said that, given the current nature of TV, she'll probably be replaced by a man repeatedly hitting himself in the face with a hammer. At least her show involved full sentences.

Dead ?

Now this makes me feel old. In the early 80's my Dad bought a CD player. We hooked it up to the stereo and heard a quality of sound that had up to then been no more than the dreams of a madman. As time passed our collection increased from the early days of James Last (and no, I'm not joking) to things that were actually good. For my generation the CD was the fulfilment of every fantasy that we'd ever had about music. And even now it still seems fresh, exciting and cool. But my generation it seems, is being prepared for the grave.

Today one of the biggest niche music equipment manufacturers, called Linn, announced that they were abandoning the production of CD players in favour of streaming technology. This is curious because Linn is what's known as an audiophile manufacturer, i.e. they make high end kit for music nerds. But they reckon that it is now possible to get stuff online which is better quality than the CD. This puzzles me because I always thought that MP3s were essentially stripped down versions of CD quality, and consequently not as good. But things have clearly moved on. In this age of high speed broadband, CDs have apparently been superseded.

This shouldn't come as a great shock given that my record collection has long ago been ripped onto iTunes and now physically resides in a cream box in the garage. But I still kind of thought that CD was the current technology. Now it seems that we'll all soon be streaming music to devices all over the shop, and our record collections will amount to nothing more than a humming box under the desk. There is one benefit though, I don't believe that James Last and his orchestra have made the transition. Ah well, there are always casualties in any technological advance.

BUY IT !!

VERY few people genuinely make me laugh, but Michael McIntyre does. He has a new video out, and deserves all the success he gets. If you can, buy his works, in all their glory.

I Know What I Said But...

I promised I wouldn't talk about it again, but I now have an iPhone, and I'm buggered if I can find a single fault with the thing ! Normally when I buy a new piece of kit (and you must bear in mind that consumer electronics are my version of crack cocaine) I always have to wait a while to get it. In that waiting period I fantasise the thing into almost mythical proportions, so that when I actually get it, it's something of a let down. Well, not so with the iPhone.

As good as I thought it would be (and I fantasise an awful lot) it has surpassed my expectations. In comparison, my previous phone looks like a lump of coal with some buttons. Oh yes it was expensive, and I will quickly run out of kidneys whilst paying the monthly bills, but I so don't care. You could argue that the battery could last longer, but it lasts for the day so who cares ? Anyway given that it's doing stuff that NASA would find somewhat tricky, I can forgive a bit of power drain.

When you consider that my first computer was actually a ZX81, I cannot believe what Apple have achieved here. My parents-in-law have just obtained new Sony Ericsson phones, and they are perfectly okay, but compared to my iPhone they look like cavemen that have broken into a Noel Coward convention. Everything this thing does is amazing, and I cannot quite get my head around it. Not only does it have more functions than are possible to remember when boasting, but EVERYTHING it does is better than EVERYTHING ELSE. I know people have come on here and given it some stick, but I don't believe any of those people have owned one. If they had they would have been in as much awe as I am. And I'm a very tough audience, it takes a lot to impress me, I come 'pre-disappointed' in most areas of life. But not this time.

I've always loved my iPod, and quite literally use it every day of my life. But the iPhone is just silly in its competence, and in a world where hype generally stands in for quality, I am genuinely amazed. And all I can think of is what their other products must be like. In particular that 'fuck off' 27 inch iMac that looks so cool that I actually feel that I'd need to redecorate my office before buying one. My good friend Mr. Soanes advised me that people that buy Apple products soon become salesmen for them. And this is because in a world where we are increasingly sold an exquisitely polished turd, the Apple iPhone exceeds every expectation I could have had for it. And given that I am a hopeless fantasist, that's saying a hell of a lot. The only problem I have in life right now, is scraping together the €1500 that a top of the range iMac costs. Although now I know it'll be worth every damn penny.

3 Strikes And You're A Very Naughty Boy

And so in a rather tiresomely predictable way, the U.K. government has introduced plans to disconnect file-sharers. This has been in the wind for a while, after Peter Mandelson rather unexpectedly announced it, contradicting the 'Digital Britain' report, which mentioned no such idea. But avid followers of British criminal law shouldn't be surprised. We already have some of the toughest laws anywhere in the world, I should know, I spent 15 years questioning them. And before you get technical on me, whether this actually becomes criminal or civil law is irrelevant, the effect is the same.

This poster, produced in America, shows you the level of debate we have about this, and we have as usual followed the American model, and then exceeded it. The Americans, for all their big lawsuits and fighting talk, have no current plans to cut people off the internet. The only other country that has done it is France, and that has met with a lot of criticism. But, undeterred by that, we in the U.K. are going to do it anyway, even though nobody knows how it will work.

So, like so many other bits of new law that have bastardised the criminal justice system, it's going to be rail-roaded onto the statute books, and all criticisms ignored. This is why the British criminal law is a mess, and also why it gives unprecedented power to the State. And you know what the irony is ? All these years of being 'tough on crime' and the crime rate has never been higher. It's never been less safe to walk the streets, the level of serious crime is at an all time high and all these measures seem to have had no impact at all. But hey, never mind, let's all close our eyes and plough on. After all, as we all know, it isn't about actually changing stuff, just giving the appearance of doing so.

Oh and one more thing, out of the original three architects of 'New Labour', how is it that Mandelson is the only one that's still going strong ?

Is This Really The Way We Should Be Passing The Years ?

It's a cliché to say that life is short, and when you're young it doesn't feel like it, quite the opposite in fact. But as you grow older, and you lose a few people you begin to realise that all that we are will one day be nothing. Someone else will be living in our house, doing our job and aspiring to the same things that we did. As for us we'll be but a name recorded on official documents. Will our grandchildren think about us greatly, not likely. And even if they do, what good will that really do us ?

With these thoughts in mind, I do wonder why we are so prepared to fritter our time away as if it's endless. And programmes like 'I'm A Celebrity' (which has just re-started in the U.K.) seem to drain life away at a greater rate than normal. If we all had to carry around a clock, where the days of our lives ticked down to that fateful day, I imagine we'd all be a little more circumspect in how we fill our time. Does watching Christopher Biggins in a bra really constitute a positive evening, or would we have been better off contemplating Proust whilst sipping a chilled glass of white wine ?

Call me a dreamer but watching has been celebrities eat kangaroo anus isn't really the life I had hoped for when I was young. I don't see why people watch it all, nor why they become remotely interested in who 'wins'. Actually I find it annoying and rather uncomfortable to see the desperation on the faces of those that used to be famous, and who are now hoping against hope for some career redemption which will put them back on top again. For my part I'd rather look away and spare both our blushes and in the meantime try and make those precious seconds feel just a little more valued.

Sunset Over Valencia

Over the last few weeks I've noticed that there have been some amazing sunsets in this city. As it's still very sunny here (30 C today) we have some great sunsets, but as yet I haven't been in a good enough position to actually photograph one. So I offer a professional shot I found which rather dramatically captures two of the new buildings in the city. On the left is the IMAX cinema and on the right the opera house.

However, now that I'm armed with my iPhone at all times (and yes I worship it) I hope to get some snaps of my own and plonk them up here. I doubt they'll be as good as this one, but you never know. In the meantime feel free to enjoy this lovely picture.

Further Proof That TV Is Better Than The Movies

I've started watching 'House' recently, and once you get over Hugh Laurie's American accent, it turns out to be a highly watchable show. The dialogue is well written, the narratives sophisticated and above all it's unlike anything else on TV. But most of all it is yet another example of how good TV is in general. There were always good TV shows, but the depth of quality is now quite astounding.

TV was always traditionally the poor relation of the film world. The latter was where the talent, money and best writing always went. Well, not any more. When you look at young film makers these days you either see worthy documentarians or young guys that want to be rock stars. What you don't see are directors with the talent of Scorsese, Coppola, Spielberg etc.. Instead we have a lot of blockbusters that are stuffed with special effects and seemingly written by toddlers. This whole demographic idea, that only boys between 18-30 watch movies has ruined the industry in recent years. Films are now theme park rides, where the director doesn't allow there to be a single dull moment just in case the audience walks out or grows a brain. When did thinking become such a derided concept ?

So it's TV that now provides the grey matter for lovers of drama and comedy. On TV your intelligence isn't insulted and it's taken as read that you can actually concentrate. I love film, but increasingly find myself watching older stuff as so much of what they produce now just isn't worth the effort or expense of going to a cinema. Far better to stay in front of the telly with a boxset of House, or a dozen other shows of similar quality.

Messing About On The Water

After months of agonising, wrangling and general buggering about, it has been announced that the America's Cup will be returning to Valencia next year. So, come February the city will once more be awash with designer labels, slightly annoying middle-aged British guys and high tech fibre glass yachts.

I wasn't here the last time it was held, so this time I intend to make the very most of it by hanging out down at the marina with my shades on, trying to save up for a coffee at the poncey cafes. I will take photos, and report back on whatever I see. I'm not a fan of yachting but I'm pleased for the city, as what with this, the Formula One, the Moto GP, the new international tennis tournament (won just last week by Andy Murray) and a top football team, Valencia is becoming more and more prominent. In the next 2 years, the new bullet train to Madrid will open, and the airport will be further expanded (you can already fly to New York from here). And so it seems that for once in my life I seem to be in the thick of things, and for a boy that grew up in the rather gloomy Norfolk town of Great Yarmouth, that's really exciting.

Next...

I feel a little guilty typing this post on my old Dell computer, but the truth is that it's getting a little long in the tooth. It's approaching its 6th birthday (we'll have a tearful party for it in January) it has Windows XP, a 4:3 screen (with a fair amount of burn), no integral webcam, a slow processor and a wired keyboard and mouse. Whilst these things all looked like they'd be used by 'The Jetsons' back in 2004, now they are the kinds of things that will soon be appearing in science museums. At the time, this was pretty much the best computer I could buy, but now it needs to be taken out, humanely shot and turned into glue.

Of course I won't actually kill it, it'll just move one space to the left and be used for iPod tracks, the odd game that'll still run on its graphics card and other bits and pieces. The machine pictured above will replace it, and I don't really need to tell any of you what it is do I ? But that next purchase will require a bit of saving, a good solid period of work and possibly the sale of at least one kidney. One thing is for sure though, this Christmas will be my Dell's last as 'main computer'. So it's soon to be goodbye XP, and hello Snow Leopard. It's been a good machine though I must say that, but its life is now over. Time to die.

Nearly There

Before I go any further, I promise that this will be my final post about the iPhone. But regular readers will realise that this item has become a minor obsession over the last few months. Now the end is in sight, I've looked at all the options, tried out the new Palm Pre, the Blackberry, the Samsung Jet and read up on the HTC range. And I have decided that for me, the iPhone is the one. I don't pretend it's perfect, it has battery issues, the camera could probably be better and the keyboard can be fiddly. But of all the possibilities, it's the phone that best suits me.

That's not to denigrate the rest of the market, much of which is technically superior. But the combination of the looks, functionality and the best software on the market have led me to the iPhone. So I shall be buying one, either just after Christmas, or perhaps earlier if I can swing it. And so on this blog, the smart phone issue is now closed. Until of course my next contract is coming to a close, and I'm sure the market will be totally different by then. Who knows, there may even be a new market leader to lust after.

You Know You Want This...

I've always found the whole concept of Jimmy Smits to be amusing. Right from when he started on L.A. Law, through his laughable appearance in Star Wars, to a career guesting on other shows, he's kept on popping up like an unwanted friend on Facebook. Indeed he has led me to coin the phrase 'What the Jimmy Smits is going on ?'. But something has happened. Well two things actually.

First off he went and turned up being all good at acting and stuff in 'The West Wing'. But I thought that maybe that was a fluke and perhaps he had slipped over on something and had been accidentally competent. But then came season three of Dexter, a show that I am becoming rapidly obsessed with, and he appeared again and was not only good, but outstanding as sinister A.D.A. Manuel Prado. In fact he walked off with the entire show despite the other excellent actors in the series. So I thought I should acknowledge this publicly and apologise to the 'Smitster'. You're alright Jimmy, just stay away from George Lucas in the future.

Persecuted For Being Sexy

This is a photo of a 20 year old girl who was expelled from a Brazilian University last week, for wearing a mini-dress. The University authorities tried to justify this decision on the basis that she had no idea about ethical principles, had deliberately flaunted herself and caused distraction amongst other students. When it was pointed out that it's no longer 1889, she was rapidly re-instated without a further word.

But it's a landmark because I cannot think of another example of someone being punished for being a sex bomb. This shouldn't be a surprise I guess, we live in a world where we are increasingly being told what to do by hypocrites and do-gooders. I'm amazed that smiling is still legal.

But hey, if wanton sexiness is to be outlawed then I guess I shall have to go into hiding. Somebody call the po-lice, because I'm now a wanted man ssssssssssssssss (mimes putting his finger to his skin and the sound of sizzling).

I'll get me coat.

Shut It !!

Any British boy worth his salt can do a Michael Caine impression. They're generally not very good but seem to always involve two factors, i) shouting and ii) the word 'bloody'. And the impressions are always affectionate, because we all worship the man. For all his detractors, I can't think of another British (or perhaps American) actor who can claim such a dazzling career.

From 60's classics like 'Zulu', 'Alfie', 'The Ipcress File' and 'The Italian Job', through the 70's with the likes of 'Get Carter', 'The Man Who Would Be King' and 'A Bridge Too Far', the 80's with 'Educating Rita', 'Hannah and Her Sisters', 'Mona Lisa' and up to the modern day with 'The Dark Knight', 'The Prestige' and 'Austin Powers : Goldmember'. Caine is a god and let's have no debate about it.

And that god, at the age of 76 is still working as hard as ever. His new film 'Harry Brown' sounds like a British version of 'Gran Torino' or a sequel to 'Get Carter'. The reviews it's getting are really strong, and he's following it with Chris Nolan's 'Inception'. I personally can't wait to see anything he's in, and I'm so grateful that he's still around and still as good as ever. Where his contemporaries like Roger Moore and Sean Connery are retired, Caine is still opening movies. Oh come let us a-bloody-dore him !

Having A Go At The Dost !!

A few years back I went through a phase of forcing myself to read posh books. The poshest one I read in that time was Homer's Odyssey, and I can tell you that it was a bitch. To me the main difference between normal books and 'literature' is that with the latter you often read a sentence and realise that although the author has used English words, you have no idea what they mean. Reading proper stuff requires concentration and work. Thus it doesn't sit too well with a bedside book. But nonetheless I'm currently ploughing through 'Crime & Punishment' last thing at night.

Reading literature is a bit like eating healthy food, it often doesn't go down too well (and you find yourself dreaming of cheeseburgers) but afterwards you have a great sense of well being, even more so when you've understood it. My bookshelves are stuffed with similar classics and so this won't be my last foray into intellectualism. In particular Dante has been waiting for me for many years, as have both Proust and Tolstoy.

I've often picked up those weighty tomes, looked inside and found that some of it actually looks intelligible, but I've then put them back in their places straight away. However I can't pull that off for much longer. I'm 40 years old, I have plenty of time, a clear head and no excuses left. So I either do this thing or resign myself to a life of pulp fiction. And as fun as the latter can be, it is also like a cheeseburger in that it goes down fine, but really does you no good at all. So wish me luck, I'm off right now to 19th Century St. Petersburg and I promise to try and not get confused by all the character names that end in 'vic'.

This Couldn't Be Less Interesting To Me If I Was Physically Dead

'Avatar' is nearly upon us, and in this new age of motion capture obsession (and we're not done yet, 'Tintin' still awaits us) I am left so cold by the whole notion that some doctors could mistake me for a corpse. Another example of this technology, 'A Christmas Carol' is coming out now, to mixed reviews, but my favourite is that of Empire magazine, which states that it's not as good as a live action version nor as good as a proper digimation (i.e Pixar) and so 'what's the point ?'. Quite.

'Avatar', James Cameron's new film now has a full trailer. A trailer is supposed to get audiences whipped up in a frenzy of anticipation, desperate to see the film. Sadly, with every new frame I see of Avatar I become more bored with the whole concept. It looks like a very clunky eco message, draped in cartoonish special effects that no-one is going to buy. From the looks of the trailer, all the action sequences are rendered in CGI, and no matter how many pixels they use, it will always look fake. Thus the audience can't engage and so we all get bored with the pretty pictures.

Of course the man whose last picture was the most successful movie of all time was going to be allowed to make anything he wanted, indeed if his next project had been a live action version of his shopping list, no doubt he'd have had them queueing at his door. But that doesn't mean it'll be any good. 'Avatar' has the most boring trailer I've ever seen, it's too long, looks like the intro to a video game, and contains not a single nanosecond of any interest whatsoever. So either Cameron has employed the worst trailer makers in the world, and they have totally misrepresented his master work, or he is about to lay the greatest cinematic turd of his career. And I don't care if it's in 3D either, 3D is rubbish. I want good stories, and acting, not silly high tech gimmicks.

Given that Cameron has spent 12 years away from movies, and has been underwater for much of that time (yeah, let the damn Titanic shit go Jim !) it seems that he might have come up from the depths too fast. Because quite how the director of Aliens, Terminator and True Lies can have come up with something seemingly so dull is beyond me. And you can't trust the movie press either, because they'll be lining up to pleasure themselves over 'Avatar' simply because either a) they think it's cool or b) December is a slow month and they need to sell some magazines. It's like when the Coen brothers release anything, even patent crap like 'Burn After Reading', the press don't dare say boo to the goose. And of course 'Avatar' may be great, I haven't given up on Cameron yet, he's a great film maker. But then so is Spielberg and he made '1941'. So I for one am going to take some serious persuading to spend money in order to watch a bunch of computer generated Thundercats fly around on a screen of computer graphics. I can get that from the Playstation.

Stress

I once ended up in the back of an ambulance due to work-related stress, so I know it's a real problem. Of course the whole concept is cheapened for many, when people routinely take months or years of paid sick leave for 'stress'. It may be that those people are either taking the piss, or just aren't suited for the job they've taken. Not everyone can do every job, that's a simple fact, you need a certain tolerance to do certain things. But when you have proved that you can do a certain job, it can still all be ruined by anxiety.

This week the National Health Service in Great Britain warned business that the amount of money being lost to the U.K. economy due to stress was immense, and that they need to do something about it. To me that's rather like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. The problem is already huge, didn't anyone notice before ? Not only that but it's typical of the society we live in that these things only become a real issue when they cost us money. It isn't the human equation that bothers us seemingly, the fact that the quality of life of millions of honest hard-working people is being unnecessarily spoiled doesn't seem to bother anybody, but when it costs us cash then we must act !

Truth is that a lot of work stress comes from appalling management. In my experience, your bosses don't see you as a person, but more as a factor on the balance sheet, either being productive or not, rather like a machine. When you are productive they leave you alone but don't tend to say thanks. When you aren't then you'll see them, and rather than try to help you, in most cases they will simply exert pressure to try and gee you along. It's mainly all stick and very little carrot. This doesn't work because we are human beings, fallible, moody, unpredictable and emotional. We can't be assessed like robots. But many managers either don't see this or choose not to. Instead they are all too often on some private ego trip and are unwilling to behave properly.

In my case I couldn't stand it any more and I gave up a good career, sold my lovely house and moved to Spain. And it worked. I no longer have a boss, and it's great. My work is diverse and spread out, and if I lose something it doesn't affect the other stuff. No-one ever calls me into their office any more, no-one puts pressure on me to 'improve my performance' and no-one treats me with the respect of a fucking photocopier. But many other aren't so lucky, and until people start being treated properly then work-related stress will get worse and worse. Managers need to either be re-trained or fired, and so-called 'Human Resources' departments need to be torn apart and replaced by something that understands people better. Even the use of the word 'resources' here implies that human beings are to be treated as a disposable commodity, and it's revolting.

And you know what the irony of all this is ? It's that happy people are actually more productive. I've managed departments and can tell you that when you encourage people, make them feel safe, protected and respected, they actually work twice as hard for you and then everyone wins. If more managers put their egos aside and realised that, then far fewer people would dread the office every day. And given the amount of years we sacrifice to work, that really shouldn't be too much to ask should it ?

MS Word And Track Marks

I spend a lot of my life in front of the computer, and a good portion of that time looking at a screen similar to the one on the left. It seems that MS Word is pretty much the only word processor out there. Even people with Apple Macs use it, which is something of a let down, to turn on a shiny, streamlined Mac and then see the Microsoft logo pop up like a bad smell.

But anyway, I use it to write my unpublished nonsense, and to earn some actual money. I pull off the latter trick by translation and revision work, and on a long document this means that tracking gets used. For those who don't know, down at the bottom of the MS Word screen sits a little box with 'trk' in it. If you click this it shows up, in various colours, every change you make to the document. Stuff you've deleted remains there but with a line through it, and your additions sit side by side with the discarded stuff. Then, if another person on another computer makes changes, all their stuff appears too, in yet another colour. After a while of passing the thing around, your screen resembles a multi-coloured cluster fuck of meaningless words. The more you look at the text, picking your way through the endless changes and trying to construct a sensible sentence in your head, the more it all looks like vomit.

This of course is the only time in your life that you actually want that paper-clip cartoon to turn up with a clickable option that says 'click yes to make all this shit go away'. But if you're proof reading, you need to read it through over, and over, and over, and over again. Until you've looked at it so many times that either your eyes are bleeding or you can no longer recognise English words, let alone any rules on grammar. Of course to be fair, MS Word is one of the few things that Microsoft can be proud of. It's powerful, reliable and fast and I'm sure that even people in other galaxies use it. Before it took over I used WordPerfect for years, but Word is better. And I must confess that when I do finally get that Mac, Word will be the very first software I buy for it. And the tracking feature is actually very clever and well thought out. But try telling me that when I lie sobbing in front of my unfashionably non widescreen monitor. It's been a long day.

Should Derek Griffiths Be Made God ?

Just a thought.

And Who Said That Halloween Was Just For Children ?

Trick or Treat ? Judging by the ladies on the left, definitely a treat (although the man would presumably argue that it was cold on the day this photo was taken). Does anyone from Boulder, Colorado read this blog, because if so I would love to hear from you about the annual Nude Pumpkin Run. Apparently every year people strip off, wear trainers and a hollowed our pumpkin, and go running through the snowy night. Quite why I don't know, but let's face it, who cares ?

Apparently the local police are threatening to arrest anyone who takes part for 'indecent exposure'. This sounds stupid to me, as it suggests that there is something inherently indecent or wrong about a naked body. Last time I looked we all had one, and to pretend otherwise is borderline insane. That's not to say that I would personally participate in such an event, but I can imagine myself cheering the others on from a close viewpoint. But isn't it sad that attractive young people want to run around naked in public and we want to discourage it ? Personally I prefer looking at the ladies, but I'm sure there are many out there who have broader tastes. Either way, this event shouldn't be condemned, in fact it ought to be televised so we can all enjoy. But what do you expect from an establishment that reacted as if a nuclear bomb had been dropped, simply because Janet Jackson showed a nipple. She should have been given an award, and encouraged to do it every year ! It would certainly make the Superbowl a damn sight more interesting.

It's November And My Arse Is Still Being Roasted

No ! Arse roasting is not some modern sexual technique that I am engaging in for a tad too long and thus risking permanent injury. Although the number of sexual practices that have garnered names in the last few years only reinforces my theory that every generation deludes itself that it has invented sex. The truth is that our great grandmothers were probably tea bagging people in a horse drawn cart. But I digress.

What I am actually referring to is the fact that it's still 25-30 degrees here. Not that I'm complaining, it's almost as if someone forgot to turn off the summer switch, and turn on winter. And it means that my cool shades are lasting well beyond their sell-by date. But when November rolls round and you see the first plastic fir trees start to ominously appear, it seems a bit odd to be debating whether to go to the beach or not. And when one is lost in a strange part of the city - as I was on Friday - it can be uncomfortable to march confidently in the wrong direction, only to have to retrace your steps 5 minutes later under the burning sun.

This part of Spain is very warm, and that's part of the attraction, but you do get to a point where you actually fancy a cold Sunday, an epic roast dinner, a few slurps of red wine and then the glorious prospect of falling asleep in front of a war film. Not too much mind, because sunshine is addictive and once you get an almost unlimited supply you tend to wilt without any. But given the time of year it is odd to be going out in a T-shirt and then finding yourself pouring with sweat after a brief stroll. My winter coat is hanging in the closet looking very forlorn, wondering if it's had its last button done up. But fear not my old friend, because in December we go to England and you will be centre stage and man of the match !