Touch My Bum

Actually don't, it's probably not hygienic.

Right so yes. As is evident I haven't been blogging too much lately. Reasons ? Oh so you think you can demand that of me do you ? Well alright then, you talked me into it. Simple really, bit distracted with the house sale (still staggering along at time of typing), also having nightmares trying to get the car fixed. Oh yes, all rock and roll type glamour.

However, I have been watching some stuff, two westerns in particular. '3:10 to Yuma' which is good and 'The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford' which is superb. Also saw 'Stardust' which is okay, but nothing special. May I also recommend the latest Russell Brand standup DVD (I know, even I was amazed that I liked it) which only goes to prove that the media these days simply distort the truth about celebs. Brand is normally portrayed as an annoying wannabe rock star who is more interested in sex than anything else. Well, whatever his personal life is like (and I couldn't care less to be honest) he's a decent comedian with a new and interesting style and who is certainly worth watching.

Any other business ? Well there's the death of Jeremy Beadle, one of those people that the media generally sneers at, and yet who apprently raised £100m for charity in his lifetime. Even if the true figure is only 10% of that, it's still a phenomenal achievement and makes me sad that he was so derided in his lifetime. A simple thank you would have sufficed wouldn't it ?

Anyway, I generally feel unsettled at the moment so further posts are unlikely to appear in any abundance for the present. But once my house sale saga is brought to an end, and I finally get to move to Spain, expect a lot more, and for normal service to be resumed.

Newsnight Review : Review

I was flicking around the channels last night, and was unlucky enough to come across the Newsnight Review. For those of you who haven't seen it, it is totally unconnected with Newsnight (one of the few serious current affairs programmes we have left) and is instead a discussion about various events in the world of the arts. Doesn't sound too bad so far does it ? Well, I'm afraid it is the work of the Devil.

Because you see what we have here are a group of intellectuals, arrogantly dismissing or blithely praising a piece of artistic work. Now, I myself am a great fan of the arts, but when I see these jackals, greedily swarming around the carcass of a piece of perfectly harmless work, I feel repelled by the whole business and motivated to put on Match of The Day and tuck into a portion of beans on toast. How is this possible ? Well, it's because of the existence of the so-called 'intellectual'. Anybody who describes themselves as a 'writer, critic and broadcaster' is probably one of them. Also if they have no sense of humour and take themselves way too seriously, they will also probably qualify. And finally if they have a willingness to appear on national television and smugly pontificate about other people's efforts without the slightest concern for what apalling snobs them come across as, then they are guilty as charged.

These people use phrases like 'it's a very important book' (in what what way this importance manifests itself is never made clear), or they say 'I found this shallow and predictable' (look in the mirror sweetheart). And they also use increasingly bafflingly complicated language to describe their disgust for certain things, whilst supplementing this explanation with hand gestures that look like they're strangling an imaginary chicken. In truth they are all simply trying to out intellectualise the other people on the show, and show off their own talents whilst dissing the work of others. But all they really demonstrate is a massive insecurity that they themselves aren't really any good, or aren't popular enough or aren't even clever enough. They overcompensate with apalling pomposity and disproportionate venom directed at fairly harmless writers and filmakers.

Last night I sat there, open-mouthed unable to believe the smugness and spite that I was witnessing. But I couldn't look away, it was like witnessing a car crash in slow motion, and I was mesmerised. Eventually I summoned the strength to reach out and press the off button, but my exposure was clearly hazardous I was already starting to wonder whether growing a goatie wasn't such a bad idea after all. But, TV safely off, I was able to gain some perspective.

I suppose I don't really mind these people being given a forum to embarrass themselves, after all it's on so late that no-one is likely to actually watch it. But I'd much rather they were confined to their natural habitat of Radio 4, where they can wear their scruffy clothes, pull their sardonic faces of disbelief and generally only be listened to by people like themselves. But there is a serious point here and it's simply that shows like this have the tendency to turn people off the arts rather than interest them in them, because it encourages the view that it is a world populated by elitist snobs, who look down their noses at everyone, and who are totally intolerant of ordinary people. This would be a shame, because the world of the arts is for everyone, rich or poor, educated or not. It isn't an exclusive club that is only for 'special' people. And by the way there's nothing wrong with what they rather snidely refer to as 'populist entertainment'. It's popular because lots of people like it, and because it's very entertaining. And you can take the latest work of Martin Amis and shove it up your arse, however 'important' you feel it to be.

So take my advice, avoid any show where they discuss the arts. Instead, have a look at what's around, select one you find interesting and go and see it yourself. Then, make your mind up whether you like it or not and why. You don't need to be told by anyone else what's good and what isn't. And that shows to me why programmes like Newsnight Review are totally pointless. In the end, people will decide for themselves what they like, and the opinions of a bunch of rather desperate social inadequates, sat around sulkily on sofas, looking like they've been dressed by Oxfam, only serve to demonstrate how very many people in this country are getting paid for highly spurious jobs. Watch out people, we're onto you !

'It's Not About Us, It's About What We Are Trying To Do For The Country'

So said John Edwards, who is one of many current candidates for the U.S. presidency. What prompted this ? Well it was an unseemly argument between the two front runners, Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama. And in a way Mr. Edwards is right, it is about the country, but anyone who believes that that's the reason these people are squabbling their way to the White House is a bit naive. Because what is it really about ? Power, and the desperate need these people have to feel important and have dominion over others, even for 4 short years.

Whenever a politician says all they want to do is 'serve my country' I'm always sceptical. Because when you see what they do whilst in office, the people they are always serving first are themselves and their friends. If the country gets a look in after that so be it, but it always seems to be a long way down the priority list. And mark my words, whoever does get in will disappoint us, because all the high-minded ideals they talk about during the campaign, they'll all be forgotten once they actually have the job and their only and first imperative is to get re-elected. Will they get anything done ? Oh well I'm sure there's another small country they can illegally invade if they really get out the atlas and find one. And of course they can get into bed with big business, and therefore neglect the individual people who actually put them there.

You only have to look at Tony Blair's acitivities, and the vast sums of money he is shamelessly making to see the real motivations of major politicians, the only glory they are really interested in is their own.

What's New Pussycat ?

Well, I still exist, if that's what you're getting at. But even I can see that this blog is sadly neglected right now, and there are various reasons for that.

Firstly I've been ill. Only with a cold, but as I'm such a giant wimp, a simple cold wipes me out for the best part of a fortnight. I imagine that this is due to my generally poor state of health. My plan is to improve my diet, reduce my stress levels, and excercise myself to the point of full on 'buffness'. Well, two out of three may have to suffice then.

Secondly I have been engaged in a series of rather stressful negotiations regarding the house sale. And the net result is that at the time of writing the sale is back on, only for less money. But that's fine if it gets my white ass out of this country and away from the rain as soon as the conveyancing laws will allow.

Thirdly I have turned my writerly attentions towards a book. In fact I'm already deep into chapter two, and I have characters and a synopsis all in place. And I must say I'm really enjoying it. Whether others will enjoy reading it is the trick, but I'm trying my very best with it so we'll see.

However I have also been watching a lot of films too. 'American Gangster' is very good indeed, nearly up there with the Scorsese's of this world. 'Sunshine' on the other hand is disappointing and a bit dull. I've also seen 'Grindhouse' and can say that the Rodriguez half 'Planet Terror' is by far the best, and is funny gory nonsense rather along the same lines as 'Dusk til Dawn'. The Tarantino piece 'Death Proof' is not so good, it being at best a short story which is unwisely stretched into a full length feature film. The car chase at the end is good though, and nearly saves it. But not quite.

But the best film I've seen lately is 'Atonement' which is a spellbinding romance set against the second world war, which is beautifully written, acted and directed. Almost a cert for lots of shiny statues in the near future. And the music's great too. And I don't even like romantic films, as there aren't normally anywhere near enough gunfights involved.

So, I'll be off now, a blank screen and a flashing cursor await me. But I shall return soon, with more tales of busy mornings writing, and lazy afternoons sat in front of the plasma, stuffing my face with peanuts. God unemployment is great, everyone should be a layabout. Although when I find myself wearing a purple track suit from Matalan, I'll realise it's gone on quite long enough.

Am I A Girl ?

Because I certainly feel like one in Spain. Let me explain.

I am currently in Spain, am a frequent visitor here and plan to move here within the next 2 months. I´ve visited here maybe 20 times or more in the last 10 years and am starting to learn the language. And in that time I´ve noticed many cultural differences between this country and the U.K.. For example, they still have a large emphasis on tight-knit families. We in the U.K. to a large extent have abandoned that concept.

But there is no way in which the differences are clearer than with the men. For Spanish men are in the best and worst ways, suffering from a terminal case of machismo. You´ve never seen so much testosterone squirting about as here, believe me. Men are still men. They don´t cry, they don´t talk about their feelings, they don´t cook, they don´t moisturise and they certainly don´t clean the house. Those are jobs for women.

Instead they work, drink, smoke, watch football, laugh loudly whilst slapping each other on the back, and produce hordes of children, presumably due to large quantities of sex. They also talk in voices so deep and manly that they make Barry White sound like a soprano. You get the feeling that if the average Spanish man had his arm cut off in some sort of accident, he´d pick it up with the other one, and walk down to the hospital with it, after of course finishing his beer first.

In the face of this, I often feel a little bit like a....er....girl. I don´t cry very much (unless Spurs have humiliated themselves again) but I do cook, I do moisturise and I do care about what clothes I wear and what my hair looks like. I´m half expecting a skirt to arrive in the post one day from the Ministry of Men or something.

Now here´s the thing. Do I ´butch up´ and start smoking cigars, grow a beer belly and spit in the street ? Or do I stay as I am, and risk being mistaken for a lady ? Because the time may come when it´s my arm that´s cut off and I´m afraid that rather than say "damn it, well better pop down to casualty then, hand me that glass would you", I´ll blub away like I´m on the first day of school and my mummy´s just gone home. Maybe of course I should simply avoid having my arm cut off and hopefully I´ll get away with it. But sooner or later I think I´ll be found out, hairspray in one hand, balloon whisk in the other, carefully considering this seasons fashions. And then, all pretence of manliness will be over.

Oh and by the way, any examples of that terrifying mutant race, namely ´new men´would do well to avoid the Iberian Peninsula completely, you wouldn´t even make it off the bus alive.

I´ve Bitten It Off...Now Can I Chew It ?

I refer of course to something you all know nothing about. But I think in the past I´ve mentioned the fact that I rather like reading, and indeed I rather like challenging myself to what are regarded as quite hard books. Well, this very afternoon, aware of the fact that I now have more time on my hands (unemployed you see) I ordered three books that are all well over 1000 pages each. They are ´War & Peace´, ´The Count of Monte Cristo´ and ´The Stand´. All intimidating monsters, but all books I was kind of saving for my retirement. Well, as that retirement has come about 27 years early, I reckoned I´d start now. So, I will keep you posted on my new assault on the classics of world literature. And if I should die in the attempt, please scatter my ashes in Waterstones.

Breakfast at 5 a.m.

I´m sure we´ve all done it. To facilitate a journey somewhere which involves an airport, we´ve all caved in to the cheaper prices and decided to travel in the middle of the night. I know I just have. It involved leaving at 1 a.m. from my house, and then travelling by coach to Stansted for a 5 a.m. check in. And I can now see why sleep deprivation is used as a torture. Because when I arrived, in my slightly incoherent state, I decided to have a full English at the airport restaurant. And to my surprise, despite the slightly high price, it was quite nice if a bit stingy on portions.

But I can tell you that there is nothing more odd than sitting there as if nothing strange is happening, eating a full english at 5 a.m.. Of course it doesn´t feel strange at the time, because you are surrounded by people doing the same thing, but what is that odd sensation ? Oh I know, it´s the fog of fatigue bearing down on me like a black cloud. There I am, rather primly cutting a sausage and passing my wife the toast, when all I really want to do is curl up on the floor in a foetal position and stay there until the universe ends.

There´s no doubt that we live in a strange world. 24 hour supermarkets, 24 hour online banking & shopping, and 24 hour places where you can get a full English. But human beings are decidedly not 24 hour creatures. We need sleep, we´re not robots, let´s admit it. It´s okay !! But no, we can´t, we have to pretend that we´re in any way suited to the non-stop society we have created, and that we can keep up with the relentlessly reliable technology that we now surround ourselves with. And so we will still sit in restaurants at 5 a.m., ALL pretending we feel fine. So, if you see me in a Garfunkels or a Frankie & Johnnys, in the middle of the night, trying to muster enthusiam for a fried egg, please do the decent thing and bring over a sleeping bag, because I´m weak and human, and I need to either sleep or die.